I recently moved to Dharamshala and got a beautiful house - it's serene and perfect in many ways. But amidst this external change, something felt off internally. After spending 20+ days with my parents (where boundaries were challenging) and then transitioning to just Han and me, I found myself lost. Not knowing what I was doing or how to define myself in this new space.
In my inner world structure, my rational part took complete control - managing everything, creating systems, trying to protect me. This teenage part, with all good intentions, locked away my emotional parts thinking it was the best way to keep them safe. (he actually gets dizzy with kids going on roller coaster & spontaneity)
The rational part became the shield during those challenging days with my parents. At home in Yamunanagar & them visiting me in Dharamshala for 7 days, the environment forced my emotions to go away - there was "so much trauma about oh like the hospital is very far, this is not there, very poor, where you just can't be yourself."
My rational part had to take the wheel, putting up guards and shields to survive.
But even after they left, the emotions didn't return. I was stuck in "hypo state" - all thinking, minimal feeling - back to old patterns - working through life as a machine, creating systems with no soul in them, urges to watch pornography & the good old netflix binge.
Rational Abhinav & True Abhinav: My Duality
Rational Abhinav is not someone waiting to pounce back and gain control. He's my selfless, sacrificing masculine side focused on providing and protecting. Like a dedicated teenager trying his best to keep everything running smoothly, he works tirelessly behind the scenes. He takes on everything, thinking he must handle it all alone. Also known as the CEO of AbhinavLand who manages, plans, and executes - excellent at getting things done but sometimes forgetting there's more to life than systems.
True Abhinav represents my feminine energy - the emotional, authentic part that feels deeply and lives honestly. This younger sister-like part brings color, joy, and genuine connection to my life. My self aligns more with this True Abhinav - the part that can feel pain, joy, connection, and aliveness. The spark that makes life worth living.
Without True Abhinav, everything felt mechanical: "It's like living in a black and white world...It's like a factory...What's the whole point if emotions are not there?"
Rational Abhinav is in control and missing my kid parts (true abhinav). When my healer guided me to close my eyes and make a call for them - I opened my arms. I could see me standing in intersection and shouting as loud as I can! KIDS, PLEASE COME! And I teared up. Still screaming for them, standing at my place and arms wide enough.
I could see a young little girl looking at me from behind the trees. I gave another voice and she came and hugged me. Oh, how much I missed it. I was whole. Something I really wanted. It was a genuine emotional reconnection that filled the void I'd been feeling.
I feel my "self" aligns naturally with that energy. More closer to the True Abhinav.
I could see the beautiful duality within me - yin and yang dancing together. The rational part (the elder brother) and the emotional part (the younger sister) need each other to create wholeness. "I think these two are my yin and yang, this is my way. Both complete each other. One is like an elder brother, the other is a younger sister. Younger sister is all emotions, and the other is all rational." When balanced - "together they just run forward."
Yin & Yang in our partnership
I realized my partner Han naturally embodies more of my "True Abhinav" or the yang energy - she embraces emotions freely, feels pain & all her emotions without resistance.
I have a powerful Yin (rational, masculine) with a somewhat lost Yang (emotional, feminine), while Han has a powerful Yang (emotional, feminine) with a somewhat lost Yin (rational, masculine).
This creates an interesting dynamic: when Han is fully in her full white, the yang energy - my protective rational part yin becomes even more prominent - trying to provide and protect even more. As a pair, we are fulfilled & the yin-yang rotates but individually we are incomplete. When we talked, she told how much she missed her solo-traveller identity - not reliant on anyone. Yes, she was missing her Yin! And I was missing my Yang (my creative, emotional, roller coaster loving kid parts). When I found my Yang and told her about my realizations in my therapy session, she found her Yin too.
Moving Forward in Color
This healing session was a powerful reminder that I need both my rational and emotional parts to live fully. The systems and structures can support me, but without emotions, they're just empty frameworks.
I'm now focusing on inviting all my parts to the table - letting the rational part know it doesn't have to carry everything alone, and reminding it that it's "no longer alone handling everything." I'm encouraging the emotional parts to express themselves freely, recognizing that "by locking the parts in order to protect them... it hasn't worked now."
When I feel myself slipping into pure logic or management mode, I can pause and check: Where are my emotions? What am I actually feeling beneath the plans and systems?
The beautiful thing about AbhinavLand is that it's not static - it's growing and evolving. Just like the pizza metaphor my healer shared - the self is the base that holds everything together, while the parts are like toppings that create a unique combination.
I'm grateful for this breakthrough and for remembering who I truly am - not just the rational manager but also the emotional experiencer. Both are essential to my wholeness.
~ Integration just doesn't mean one, it means to be seen as a whole.
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