I'm reading the book Existential Kink & this is my post therapy reflection. The book talks about our shadow parts - unconscious ugly & kinky parts of ours & power of accepting them - bringing them into conscious. I find stark resemblance to IFS and I find it an amazing way to find out about my exiled inner parts and bring them to light. Accept them, hear them, know more about them and welcome them to Abhinav's family!
I discovered a few parts of mine while reading, and one of the child part of me is how I am okay hurting myself so as to avoid the argument and help me when I am helpless & powerless. Gives me a feeling, that even if I'm letting myself hurt, the other person will understand someday what they did & there's still a long game happening and that'll be my victory. This part became my way of coping with bullying or unjust scolding. Numb myself in the moment. The part that lived in the shadows, a small kid.
During the session, I invited this part to step forward. However, the other parts of me began to blame and criticize it harshly. “How can you hurt Abhinav? How dare you? What possible justification do you have?” they exclaimed. They didn’t even allow this small, helpless wandered child who came from shadows a chance to explain.
Seeing this, my Self — the ultimate mediator—had to intervene. The Self quieted the other parts, reminded them that they all came from the darkness and shadows, each with their own protective role for Abhinav. The Self urged them to welcome this small child part, to ask how he was feeling, and to understand his experience in the darkness. Ask him how he is feeling. How was the darkness. How was he. All the parts should be curious, yes, but they cannot blame. They can have questions, but they cannot blame.
I’m incredibly grateful for the role of the Self in maintaining balance and fairness among all my parts. It reinforces the importance of curiosity without blame, questions without accusations. Each part is trying to help in its own way, and it’s crucial to respect & understand that.
This part of me, which surfaced recently when my dad attacked me over call actually aims to protect me by numbing the pain and hoping the other person will stop once they’ve vented. It knows I’m strong and can bear a little hurt. Another time it came was when I sat on a chair & it broke the vendor
Honestly, the small kid childlike parts of me are some of the most amazing ones. If you really let them drive you, they're gonna give you an amazing life. And this part of me - also makes me really empathetic - a trait that makes me feel connected to others on profound level and fuels my passion for consciousness. He can listen and understand what is deeply happening to the other person (therapist power in me).
I still have more to explore and discuss in therapy, but for now, I’m thankful for this journey! Until other time.
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