Picture a world where every part of you lives in its own house, with smoke signals from chimneys showing how they feel. That's AbhinavLand, my inner world. Recently, this place went through a big storm, and I want to share what happened.
Exploring Identity: Finding Myself
It all started an year ago, I felt stuck. I was following a path that society had laid out for me - good job, steady progress, own startup, fundind, the whole nine yards. But something felt off. I couldn't shake the feeling that I was living someone else's life.
Books like the Pathless Path, Courage to be disliked & Derek Sivers gems were like someone had turned on a light in a dark room. They challenged everything I thought I knew about success and life goals. It made me question the scripts I'd been following without even realizing it.
I dove into the concept of 'identity' - who am I really, beneath all the roles and expectations? I read about people who had charted their own courses in life, defying conventional wisdom. It was scary, but also incredibly freeing.
I also discovered Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy. It introduced me to the idea that we all have different 'parts' inside us. This resonated deeply with me and led to the creation of AbhinavLand in my mind - a place where all these parts of me could coexist and interact.
I started journaling, meditating, and really listening to my exiled voices for the first time. I realized I had dreams and desires that I'd been ignoring for years. I wanted to create, to explore, to live life on my own terms. It was exciting and terrifying all at once.
Exploring Intimacy: Enters Han, love in the Midst of Self-Discovery
Just as I was in the thick of this self-discovery journey, Han entered my life. It wasn't planned (aren't the best things in life often unplanned)? She was this curious adventurous girl who had her own unique outlook on life. Our conversations (which we later labeled coffee time) would go on for hours, jumping from philosophy to our childhoods to our dreams for the future.
I was still figuring myself out. But Han wasn't looking for someone who had it all figured out. She was on her own journey of self-discovery, and we found ourselves helping each other grow together. We created our own little universe, just us two. We had our rituals - morning coffee time sharing our thoughts, dreams, whatever is going on inside us that's troubling us without any fear. Exploring places randomly - the term I would find later for the same - unoptimised life.
She challenged me in ways I needed. She encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone, to express myself more openly. I found myself sharing parts of me that I'd exiled long back, and to my surprise, she accepted all of it. Together, we explored new ideas, tried new experiences, and pushed each other to grow. We talked about our fears, our insecurities, and our hopes for the future. In Han, I found not just a partner, but a co-explorer in this journey of life.
As we grew closer, we became more clear that it wasn't about fitting into predefined roles or meeting societal expectations for us. It was about two individuals, each on their own path, choosing to walk side by side, supporting and challenging each other along the way to enlightenment.
Our relationship became a safe space for both of us to be our authentic selves. We focused on what truly mattered to us - honest communication, mutual growth, and creating joy together. We doubled down on being happy, on building a life that felt true to both of us.
AbhinavLand was buzzing with new energy, new ideas, and a newfound sense of possibility.
Opening gates of our world! (new dimension)
We've found the perfect equilibrium for us. The new dimension of Intimacy Chapter which was hard in the starting is now a cakewalk. New Dimension entering: "Conflict Resolution". New opportunity for growth! Hard at first and then you grow.
As we opened our world to others - my parents, my friends, Han's friends, family - new challenges emerged. It was like inviting guests into our carefully curated space. Some fit right in, while others... well, they shook things up a bit.
Last month when Han had a strong emotion from her friend & mother visiting, I found myself in unfamiliar territory. My first instinct was to defend Han, to fight her battles. But I quickly realized that wasn't my role. Instead, I asked her how she wants me to be there for her. I love talking about it & opening my IFS guidebook right then and there but for her in the moment she wants to be distracted & not spiral down more - getting a pizza at 4Ps, bike ride through city, quiet moment of meditation at pagoda. All about presence & not problem solving.
The Departure of Healer Rai
Just as I was adapting to this new dynamic, her friend who visited us said some words to her that hit me like a ton of bricks. Calling me manipulative & too dependent on therapy. It was like a direct attack on my core identity - the healer in me.
In AbhinavLand, Healer Rai was one of the most prominent residents. He lived in a beautiful house with a garden full of medicinal herbs. His chimney usually emitted a calming, lavender-scented smoke that soothed the entire land. Healer Rai was the one who patched up other parts when they were hurt, who mediated conflicts, who always had a kind word and a warm hug ready for anyone who needed it, who knew every part's address their name plates and see how they are feeling. He was the town's doctor!
For the first time ever, dark, acrid smoke started billowing from Healer Rai's chimney. The usual lavender scent was replaced by a bitter smell that made everyone in AbhinavLand cough and sputter. I could feel Healer Rai's pain and confusion. "Am I really manipulative?" he wondered. "Is my desire to help others just a way to control them? Is everything I believe in just... wrong? Does AbhinavLand even exist or is it my figment of imagination?"
The pain was too much for Healer Rai to bear. In the middle of the night, while the rest of AbhinavLand slept fitfully, Healer Rai packed his bags. He took his herbs, his healing crystals, his books on therapy and self-improvement. With one last look at the home he'd lived in for so long, he slipped out the door and disappeared into the misty forests at the edge of AbhinavLand.
The next morning, AbhinavLand woke to an eerie silence. The usual morning chorus of birdsong was missing. The air felt heavy and oppressive. When the other parts realized Healer Rai was gone, panic set in. Without him, I lost confidence in myself. The usual spring in my step was gone. I second-guessed every decision, wondering if I was being manipulative without realizing it. The playfulness that usually characterised my days with Han vanished. It was like the sun had gone away, leaving AbhinavLand in a permanent shadows.
For a week, AbhinavLand was in turmoil. Every part of me was in panic mode, trying to fill the void left by Healer Rai. I doubted everything - my decisions, my relationships, even my ability to live life fully. But that's a story for another part of our journey...
The Rise of Fear Alone: New part identified!
In the chaos left by Healer Rai's departure, a new part emerged from the shadows of AbhinavLand. I call him Fear Alone. Imagine a small, wide-eyed child, no more than two years old, clutching a worn-out teddy bear and constantly looking over his shoulder. That's Fear Alone.
This little guy carried the weight of my childhood experiences, particularly the silent treatments I'd received when my parents disapproved of something. Those silences made young me feel invisible and terribly alone. Fear Alone remembered all of this pain and was determined to protect me from ever feeling that way again.
His method of protection, though, was far from healthy. Fear Alone convinced me that the best way to avoid being alone was to never give anyone a reason to leave. This meant constantly trying to please others, especially Han, even at the cost of my own needs and desires.
With Fear Alone at the helm, I found myself walking on eggshells around Han. I was afraid to express my needs or feelings, terrified that saying the wrong thing might drive her away. Even simple requests, like asking her to just listen without offering solutions, became monumental tasks. I'd torture myself for hours before mustering the courage to speak up.
It was a vicious cycle. I was caught in Fear Alone's web, unable to see a way out.
Fear Alone made me hesitant to express my needs or feelings, terrified that saying the wrong thing might drive Han away. This hesitance made me less playful and authentic, which Han noticed.
Han's concern made me retreat further, creating a downward spiral of miscommunication and anxiety.
I became hypervigilant, constantly checking for signs of Han's displeasure. My tentative behavior made Han more suspicious, wondering if I was hiding something.
This, in turn, made me even more cautious, completing the circle.
Another thing I'd do was to point out any mistake Han did and make her feel bad for it. It was my way of capturing attention.
Void in AbhinavLand
AbhinavLand felt like a ghost town. The usual buzz of activity was replaced by an eerie silence. Every parts tried to step up - trying to help in their own way. But with calm lavender smell from healer Rai gone, I had a hard time even noticing what's happening inside. I didn't know how to process my emotions, let alone express them. I started blending parts - chaos started with every part scared & fearful.
It was like I'm back where I was an year ago. That wasn't true but I felt that in the moment. I was exploring a new dimension that life gave me.
(Small Segway: I'm beyond thankful for my ambitious side, Ambitious Rai. He's evolved so much. No longer driven by fear of failure or rigid outcomes, he now knows when to take a backseat. When I need to explore deep emotions or heal like a time like this, he doesn't push. He understands that healing and self-care come first. So so opposite to the old me who would shove emotions and just work with Ambitious side to forget)
With Fear Alone in charge, my relationship with Han began to suffer. Our once open communication became strained. I started doubting if she is the right partner for me (later I found she started thinking this in her own mind too). I knew things couldn't go on like this. Is this what my life has come to now? (and in that moment we think the worst).
The things you do when you're scared are actually creating the situations you're afraid of.
Return of Healer Rai
In my IFS session, I had a hard time understanding anything. Which prompted me - where is healer Rai - my therapist's comrade and he was not there. He came from the misty forest and said how hurt he was & thought he was not needed. When self talked with him and showed him what was happening in his absence, he broke down & agreed to come back instantaneously.
"I realized," he added with a smile, "that being called manipulative doesn't negate all the genuine help and care I've given. It was a reminder that I need to be mindful of boundaries - both others' and my own."
Fear Alone, who had been so dominant in Healer Rai's absence, began to relax. With Healer Rai back, he felt safer expressing his concerns without taking control. The two of them even started having regular chats, with Healer Rai helping Fear Alone feel heard and understood.
The lavender scent from Healer Rai's chimney once again permeated AbhinavLand, but it is now mingled with other scents - the fresh paint smell from Creative Rai's house, the invigorating scent of coffee from Ambitious Rai's place, and even the soft, baby powder smell from Fear Alone's cottage. It is now a beautiful harmony of all parts of me.
Heart-to-Heart with Han
Armed with new insights from therapy & Han from her journaling, I knew I needed to talk to Han. That evening, we sat down & with a deep breath, I opened up. I told Han about Fear Alone, about my deep-seated fear of being left alone & how everything turned upside when the healer part of me was hurt & left.
We talked with empathy and understanding. This fear alone baby just wanted someone to hug him and tell him - I will not leave you! You will never be alone. That's all what he wanted to hear. And when we unboxed everything and I heard this from her, the Thehraav was back in AbhinavLand.
After 2-3 conversations, getting more insights on what happened, how to process over 1-2 days, we came back stronger.
Han's Journey: Building Stronger Boundaries
When her mother visited and expressed disapproval about certain aspects of her, Han had absorbed that fully instead of filtering it. When her friend shared their opinions about my therapy or my nature, she let those views influence her more than she should have.
Han realized she needed to strengthen her own boundaries, not just with me, but with the world around us. When she saw how much I was suffered by what her friend told about me she was so sure of having strong boundaries.
Let me tell you what I mean by boundaries here.If you water a plant too much, it dies. If you don't give it water, it dies. Similarly, absorb everything what everyone says - is one extreme. While cutting off everyone (from mom to best friend) is the other extreme.
Balancing the Yin-Yang!
My Learnings
Conflict Resolution: What I experienced is essentially a struggle with conflict resolution. This was another dimension to me like the previous dimensions. Hard at starting but once you dive into, it adds so much color and growth to our life.
The Fear of Disapproval: I realized that I'm not just afraid of being disliked, but more deeply, of being disapproved of. The silent treatment triggers a primal fear in me - the fear of who will take care of me if I don't approve of people close to me.
Healing the Healer: Healer is an integral part of me. It's crucial for me to heal him before it can help others. Healer's heal thyself. I live the lavender fragnance it produces.
Communication is Key: So many of our issues stemmed from misunderstandings and assumptions. Just ask what you need from your partner when you're hurt and how can you help when they're hurt. Both of you want best for each other. Don't assume - just ask!
Embracing Honesty, always: The night when the healer part was hurt, the junk adrenaline part of me that loved pornography wanted to deviate me from the pain in ways it knew how. After the act, I could not muster the courage to say this & I hid this fact from her which was so hard for me! It defied the purity of my relationship & when I told her about it, we became back stronger. Honesty, always!
The Strength in Partnership: Han and I have grown not just as individuals, but as a couple. I've learned that a strong relationship isn't about avoiding conflicts, but about facing challenges together and supporting each other's growth. We are there for each other (but not in a toxic way). We now know to use communication as an amazing tool.
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