There's something profound about realizing you've lost touch with yourself. For me, it wasn't a dramatic moment - it was the quiet realization that my creativity had vanished. And with it, the very essence of who I am.
The slow fade
It started after my wedding - a beautiful celebration filled with genuine connection and love. I had my tribe around me, feeling fully seen and supported. In that space, I could even express my complex feelings about my parents publicly, leading to tears and connection. What a feeling!
But then as everyone left, something shifted. Anxiety from my parents about me leaving in 14 days and getting admin things done in time sweeped in -> Passport renewal, new car, Bank locker, marriage certificate.
The CEO part of me - the part that manages, plans, and executes - took control. And while he was excellent at getting things done, he didn't realize he was fogging other houses. Even the therapy sessions where I take my therapist on a stroll in my inner world changed to her coming to the board room and planning.
The Missing Pieces
The first sign wasn't obvious. It was subtle - my creativity disappeared. Not writer's block or lack of ideas, but that spark, that energy that comes from deep emotional connection, just wasn't there. At first, I didn't understand why.
But here's the thing about creativity in my world - it's not just about making things. It's about feeling things. My creativity is powered by emotions, by that deep connection to myself and others. And somewhere along the way, I had numbed those emotions.
Why?
Because I was trying to force something that should have been natural - love.
Moving to HYPO
In trying to make things work with family, in wanting to support my partner Han's desire for close family connections, I made a critical mistake. The CEO part of me decided that he HAS TO "operate from love" - like a business strategy. Something that has to be done. And then whenever I was hurt by my parents, I HAD TO numb the emotions cause the hurt was too much.
And that's the point with numbing the emotions - you cannot numb selectively. That's when I started to think like emotions (which doesn't work). Operate from love. Operate from Abundance. (It doesn't work that way)
This is where the concept of hypo and hyper states became crucial to understand. I had gone into a hypo state - all thinking, minimal feeling. It was like running a machine at half capacity.
The Parent Puzzle
I tried to "operate from love" with my parents, but I approached it like a business strategy - make a plan, execute the plan, measure the results. But love doesn't work that way. You can't spreadsheet your way into feeling. This logical approach to love left me feeling more disconnected, even as I tried harder to connect.
The Safety Dance
I need significant safety to be vulnerable, to feel, to create. Living in a hotel-like environment, constantly managing family dynamics where anyone can be angry at you is OKAY cause they are too fearful inside & that's the only way they know how. I couldn't find that safety. The child parts of me, usually free to express themselves, went into hiding. The CEO thought he was creating safety through control, but he was actually creating distance.
The CEO
Here's the thing about my CEO part - he's not meant to be the CEO who lives in a boardroom. I recently saw an image that captured what he really wants to be - it was Paul Millerd hosting a panel discussion while kids played around freely. That's my kind of leadership, my kind of living.
The breakthrough came in therapy when the CEO finally opened the door he'd been keeping shut. He didn't find chaos or resistance - he found children waiting to be acknowledged, waiting to be held. These emotional parts weren't threats to be managed; they were essential aspects of me waiting to come home.
The CEO in me isn't supposed to just manage - he's supposed to create space for play, for feeling, for living. Project Prime isn't just about productivity - it's about creating a space where both the CEO and the child can exist together, where planning meets play.
Finding the Way Back
The breakthrough came in therapy when I realized something beautiful - when the CEO finally opened the door he'd been keeping shut, he didn't find chaos or resistance. He found children waiting to be acknowledged, waiting to be held.
These children - these emotional parts of me - weren't threats to be managed. They were essential parts of me waiting to come home. They were the source of my creativity, my authentic connections, my real love - not the manufactured kind I had been trying to force.
My Therapy Journey
My relationship with my therapist has become like that of Krishna and Arjuna - a guide helping me navigate this internal landscape.
The Physical Space
I've realized how much physical environment affects my internal state. Looking forward to Thailand isn't just about vacation - it's about finding a space where I can reconnect with myself, where the CEO can relax and the child can play.
The Creativity Compass
My creativity has become my emotional compass. When it's flowing, I know I'm in balance. When it's blocked, it's usually because I'm too much in management mode, too disconnected from feeling. Understanding this has given me a reliable way to check my emotional state.
The Way Forward
This journey has shown me that the goal isn't to eliminate either part - the thinker or the feeler. It's about integration. The CEO doesn't need to stop being a CEO; he just needs to remember that he's running a very special kind of organization - one where success is measured in both achievements and authentic emotional connections.
As I prepare for the next chapter, including the possibility of becoming a parent (we call our future child Bamboo), this understanding becomes even more crucial. Because I don't want to just manage parenthood - I want to feel it, live it, embrace both the chaos and the order of it.
The real magic of Abhinav Land isn't in perfect management or pure emotion - it's in the beautiful dance between the two. It's in creating a space where the CEO can make his plans while watching children play, where creativity flows from genuine feeling, and where love isn't a strategy but a natural expression of authentic connection.
This is the integration I'm working toward - not a compromise between thinking and feeling, but a celebration of both. Because that's where the real me lives - in the space where the CEO and the child can both be fully, authentically themselves.
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