In AbhinavLand, there's been a battle brewing. With a physical toothache as the backdrop, a deeper conflict has emerged between parts that have been vying for control.
For the past week, I've been wrestling with a wisdom tooth extraction, pain medication, and that awful exposed nerve feeling anyone who's had dental work knows too well. But the physical pain merely set the stage for something bigger happening in my inner world.
Conversation with a friend
I'd been feeling a bit lost about my various projects - working on an Instagram user database (almost 85% complete), thinking about vulnerability cards, and "What's Happening" app that's been in my mind for over eight months.
When Preetam asked casually what was happening with me, the Rational me explained my scattered focus and indecision. That's when he asked the question that pierced through my defenses: "Are you afraid to start building What's Happening?"
The moment he said it, I couldn't unsee it. The truth was I had been avoiding starting that particular project and its been coming out a little. Not in burst but in feelings.
He then shared his own approach - focusing on just "one thing," getting into a consistent flow state with it, making it his priority. This resonated deeply with my rational part who loves structure and plans and he got external validation from "Doing Preetam". He put in all his force to get it done - Yet something in me resisted!
I didn't want to force myself into his framework, even though "logically" it made perfect sense. This push-pull created the internal conflict - between what made logical sense and what felt right to my deeper self.
It caused Urgency!!
Today, I did something I hadn't done in weeks - I had coffee. It might seem insignificant, but this seemingly random choice was actually my doing part quietly taking control. The coffee amplified my rational, doing part's voice to the point where my emotional, being parts couldn't get a word in.
Past few days ever since a conversation with my friend - This doing part has been increasingly anxious about a feeling of "not going anywhere" - worried about finances and fixated on projects that could generate income. It's been pushing me toward urgency - urging me to start specific projects, make money, be productive.
The pressure intensified when a friend suggested I focus on just one project - building "What's Happening" - the app I've been thinking about for months. This resonated deeply with my rational part, who loves frameworks, plans, and logical approaches to problems. It made perfect sense on paper.
But something wasn't right.
"I hate the urgency, I hate being pushed & I hate being told what to do. I will always slow down when I am being pushed."
This was my self speaking a truth that the parts needed to hear. The urgency wasn't motivating me - it was triggering resistance, creating internal conflict, and disrupting the harmony in AbhinavLand.
Urgency is a messenger - not to push ahead, but to pause and question. When I feel that urgent push to do something, it's actually a signal to slow down and ask: "Why am I forcing myself to do this?"
The driver's seat
Doing is the accelerator, being is the brake, and self is the driver.
It's not about choosing between being and doing - it's about knowing when to accelerate and when to brake. It's about trusting that the self knows when to flow, when to walk, and when to run.
This middle path acknowledges that flow isn't stagnant, but it also isn't frantic. There's doing within being, and being within doing. Some of my most creative moments have come when the being was driving the doing - when I was fully present yet productive. And sometimes the doing fuels the being - creating a beautiful cycle rather than a tug-of-war.
What I realized I need most right now isn't a perfect project plan or a productivity system. What I need is internal coherence - harmony among my parts. I need to sit in the sun, feel the grass, be with all my parts, and listen to what they're really saying beneath their demands.
My rational, doing part isn't wrong for wanting security and progress. My emotional, being part isn't wrong for wanting presence and flow. Both have valuable perspectives. But when they're fighting, nothing good comes from forcing one to submit to the other.
The self knows this. The self wants flow, not force. And the self can see what each part cannot - that there is no conflict between being and doing when they're in their proper relationship.
But, what if I never do anything?
As we neared the end of our session, my rational part asked a profound question that changed everything: "What if we forget the doing? What if I never do anything?"
This fear – that without urgency pushing me forward, I might just be and never do – has been quietly driving so much of my anxiety. It's the fear that without the constant push, I might stagnate completely.
My healer asked me to look back at these past months where I've prioritized slowing down over forcing action. Have I accomplished things during this time? Yes – I've found a house, built project plans, and made meaningful progress in multiple areas of my life.
The realization hit me like a wave: I've been doing all along, even when I wasn't forcing myself to do. The difference wasn't in what I did, but in how I did it. Not through urgency and force, but through flow and alignment with self.
My fear of "never doing anything" if I don't push myself is based on a misunderstanding of flow. True flow contains both doing and being – they're not opposing forces but complementary aspects of the same movement.
Flow
"Self just wants to flow and self knows it. When it needs to fall, when it needs to walk, or when it needs to run."
This wasn't just another concept to understand – it was a visceral knowing that rushed through me. Flow is not stagnant. It's not about choosing between accelerator and brake – it's about knowing when to use each, trusting that self is the driver who has both controls at its disposal.
When I'm truly aligned with self, action doesn't require force. Ideas emerge naturally. Creative energy flows without strain. Projects unfold organically. The doing happens through me rather than by me.
This journey of integration continues with a new level of trust. I'm learning that self knows what it's doing – I just need to get out of my own way and align with it. My doing part doesn't need to fear the break, and my being part doesn't need to fear the accelerator. Together, in harmony, they create the perfect ride.
As I move forward, I'll carry this wisdom with me: the answer isn't in more doing or more being – it's in trusting the flow that naturally moves between both. And when I feel that urgency rising, I'll remember to slow down, not because I'm avoiding action, but because I'm aligning with the deeper wisdom that knows exactly when to act and when to rest.
The next time I reach for coffee, I'll do so with awareness – not as a strategy to force productivity, but perhaps as part of the natural flow of a day where both doing and being have their perfect place.
When I feel that urgency rising, I now have a new response: slow down, question the push, and listen for what the self actually wants. Sometimes that's action, sometimes that's rest, and sometimes it's something in between that only the self can determine.
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