Setting
These days, with Han's pregnancy, wedding expenses, sliding stock markets, settling in Dharamshala, buying car, motorbike & renting an expensive house, providing for my family & parents -> money has been on my mind. But there's something deeper stirring in AbhinavLand.
The Hero's Journey So Far
This past year & a half has been my hero's journey - leaving the world of societal scripts, entering the cave of shadows to face my parts, finding authentic connection with Self, meeting Han, preparing for Bamboo and now attempting to return to a new ordinary.
Well you can't stay in the shadows forever. Just like when Han came into my life creating a new ordinary around relationships, or when we navigated the complex dynamics with parents - each return brings its own challenges. Now, moving to the new ordinary in my life :D
Ambitious Rai's evolution & current state
In AbhinavLand lives a teenage part who emerged during my engineering coaching days, when I was 14-15 years old. This is Ambitious Rai (AR) - a perfectionist who sees every project as a do-or-die mission with no Plan B. Success isn't just desired; it's the only acceptable outcome.
AR has been the driving force behind my biggest achievements - from cracking IIT-JEE to becoming an engineer at GoJek, from building indie products to enabling my current phase of exploration. Beyond thankful for this part.
But his way of helping? Pure hustle. When money pressures hit, AR would transform into a field marshal - taking complete control of AbhinavLand. Imagine a military commander during wartime - no space for play, no room for emotions, just pure survival mode. He would exile the fun-loving child parts, brush off pain (even bullying ~ when my friends take away my lunch), all to maintain laser focus on the mission: keeping AbhinavLand safe through external success. He would even brush off pain to maintain focus on survival. He's brave enough being the bad guy!
he takes responsibility for survival "when apocalypse strikes"
Why did he do this? AR believed appreciation from parents and love from the outside world were our only shelter. He would sacrifice everything - including his own likability - to ensure this safety. As he saw it, a field marshal can't take suggestions from every soldier during war. They must act decisively, make hard choices quickly, and carry the burden of everyone's survival. His love manifested not as nurture, but as fierce protection.
But something was different this time. Instead of forcing his way through like before, AR was vulnerable: "I don't know what's expected of me now. I'm in pain seeing what I'm trying to do get blocked. I get that some of my patterns are problematic, but I don't know my role in this new ordinary." He wants to help but doesn't know how to work differently.
Other parts fear
The other parts had been putting up strong resistance whenever AR tried to work. It wasn't that they opposed work entirely - they were terrified of returning to the old patterns where AR would shut everyone else down in pursuit of financial security.
This is something BEAUTIFUL that has been happening when ANY part tries to hijack! All parts come together and block. Coming from the core values that we have now to include all the parts. This is NOT a dictatorship but a utopia land. Core is the Fear of losing the peace and authenticity they've found.
And well, the other parts are right, AR sometimes hijack! He worries about security. Thinking 5 times about renting the house and speaking to multiple friends, too anxious when stocks are down, even asking a friend for a job without talking to all parts.
Now, whenever they get even a slight WHIM of AR hijacking, they block him! Writing an E-mail where you are not being authentic, BLOCKED! This time, other parts communicated but very feebly - say a feeling in body where it doesn't feel good when I write the email in people pleasing way rather than being authentic.
They have been a little scared of telling their true intentions to AR thinking that what if he returns to his old pattern and lock us up! They know that there's a 95% chance it will not happen but there is still 5% and the easiest way for them is to just block rather than communicate fully.
They remembered those days all too well - when work meant disconnecting from emotions, from joy, from presence. When "hustle" was the only language AR knew. Their fear wasn't baseless - it came from years of being exiled whenever money became tight.
They are on same team!
AR and the other parts aren't actually in opposition. They shared the exact same fear!
What was Ambitious Rai scared of? "I want to help with our money situation, but I'm terrified I'll become that controlling general again who shuts everyone down. I can't even promise I won't - the pressure might make me slip back into those patterns."
What were the other parts scared of? "We see how you're writing that marketing email - trying to please everyone, pushing yourself too hard. It's starting to look like the old you. We're not against working, we're just scared of losing you to that intense hustle mode again."
It's like two guards protecting the same treasure, just from different directions.
New Framework
we didn't need to solve for either side because both sides wanted the same thing. What we needed was a new framework
More Efficient Work from AR: In the past, 2 hours of work would take 7 hours because my system was in so much pain. I'd escape into YouTube, reels, or newsletters - anything to avoid being present with the discomfort. But now? I'm genuinely happy in life. There's no pain to escape from - rather I have my best friend Han (and now Bamboo also coming) to play with and watch movies or just cuddle! I can sit with my work mindfully and actually do 2 hours of work in 2 hours. No need for those junk dopamine hits anymore.
Define "What & When" is Apocalyptic: Setting specific thresholds for when AR needs to take stronger control & become a field marshal - like a peaceful nation defining when it goes to war
Better Communication: The other parts agreed to be more specific in their feedback instead of just saying "no" - like when they felt the discomfort in my body while drafting that marketing email
Trust in the Process: Acknowledging that while none of us can guarantee we won't slip into old patterns, we can trust in our ability to catch ourselves and course-correct.
Abundance vs Scarcity
What I was interpreting as "abundance mindset" was actually showing up in interesting ways. Previously: I'd try to control everything, find ways to prevent bad things, plan obsessively but now: I'm accepting that "life isn't ideal" and that's okay! True abundance isn't just about positive thinking - it's about - Trusting there will be abundance of opportunities for things to change/improve, Not needing to be constantly on guard, Believing in abundance of my own healing and others' healing, Understanding there will be multiple chances to show/receive care and Not treating every opportunity as "do or die"!
Repeat of last time?
Something similar conversation happened months ago too when AR was under house arrest.
But last time and this time has so much growth!
AR isn't saying "trust me, I'm changed" - instead he's being vulnerable about his fears of slipping back. Other parts aren't just saying "no" - they're giving specific feedback (like pointing out people-pleasing in emails).
Last time - parts were in pure resistance mode while this time - parts could point to specific discomfort in body, identify exact moments of concern.
The Ask is Different this time:
Last Time: Complete freedom to explore what work means
This Time: Need for structured framework with:
Clear financial thresholds & boundaries including defined emergency scenarios
Communication protocols
Looking ahead
We're transitioning from military command to democratic dialogue. AR doesn't need to be that strict general anymore - he can work with other parts, listen to their concerns, be more efficient without sacrificing their well-being.
The other parts don't need to trust that AR will never slip - they just need to trust that their voice matters now. That when they signal discomfort, they'll be heard.
Most beautifully, we're learning that the opposite of hustle isn't rest - it's mindful, efficient action where all parts work in harmony. Where 2 hours of work takes 2 hours because we're not running from pain anymore. We're just showing up, doing what needs to be done, and staying true to ourselves in the process.
This is our new dance in AbhinavLand - where abundance mindset meets practical reality, where past patterns inform but don't control us, and where every part gets to contribute to our shared journey forward.
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