These days, I am understanding more and more about Ambitious Rai (AR) - with project prime starting up in full swing. Last 1 year has been an incredible journey to self discovery. I remember about 10 months back - asking AR to give the wheel to other exiled part and in this journey I found back a lot of my parts.
In my IFS session today, AR was feeling a little overwhelmed - the feeling when you aren't fully free, when you aren't contempt inside - the thehraav (calmness) is missing & my therapist caught it spot on.
Firstly, Project Prime is one of the core output I am making for my deep wants - creativity, self-sustainability, freedom, healing, intention. With project prime, I want people to become their prime -> most authentic selves by providing tools and support for both their inner world (self-reflection, emotional well-being) and outer world (goal-setting, intentions, relationships). Giving them control back to their life.
What I thought was just 1 part responsible for this project but they are actually quite some parts. 3 core dominant ones:
Project CEO (Ambitious Rai)
The Creative Part
The Anxious/Structuring Part
AR, the CEO of Project Prime, the man responsible for everything - direction, what to build, why to build, MVP - from inner thinkings of why to external world result to getting feedback.
Creative part
The Creative Part is a force of nature in AbhinavLand. It's constantly in motion, generating ideas at a dizzying pace. During our session, I described it as "so fast, so so fast at connecting the dots and he makes amazing realizations like the ones we have in the shower."
What the Creative Part wants is simple: freedom to flow. It thrives on making connections, having those "aha" moments, and exploring new possibilities without constraint. This part of me doesn't want to be bogged down by structure or limited by the need to document every thought. It wants to dance in the shower of ideas, to swim in the river of creativity without worrying about where each drop lands.
Anxious Structuring part
The Anxious/Structuring Part wants order, documentation, and the assurance that no brilliant idea will be lost. Responsible for making you not feel bad or hurt when you forget those amazing realizations and you cannot use them in the external world.
This part craves structure and systems. It wants to capture every idea, organize them neatly, and ensure they're accessible when needed. The Anxious Part fears that without its intervention, all the Creative Part's brilliant insights might evaporate into thin air, never to be used or implemented in the real world.
The Tug-of-War & CEO AR got caught
AR found himself caught between two very different forces:
The Creative Part: Fast-paced, always flowing with ideas, making breakthroughs at lightning speed - what all we can do, epiphanies, etc
The Anxious/Structuring Part: Focused on organizing, documenting, and structuring all those creative ideas. It does not want to lose anything what we are doing.
And he was really struggling to balance these two opposing forces, feeling pulled in different directions and unsure how to keep everyone happy. Pleasing one part for some time & then doing same drill with another.
The Invisible CEO Syndrome
I realized that AR, like my main AbhinavLand CEO, had been working tirelessly behind the scenes, often forgetting to take care of his own needs. He was so focused on keeping everything running smoothly that he'd forgotten to acknowledge his own efforts and importance. He works tirelessly, often forgetting to eat or take care of himself, all in service of the greater goal - the same characteristic external world CEO of me had while building Engagebud Inc
I think these CEO's find it so... so easy to get invisible! At some point you just need an acknowledgment of your own human-ness... somebody to come back and say that you are a human being also. Thank you for doing such a beautiful job!
The power of being "Acknowledged"
I had an epiphany about all the CEO parts in my life - both internal and external. All they ever wanted was visibility, someone to acknowledge their efforts - that's enough for them to tear down.
I think every human being, wants to be seen. That's why as children, we have this entire phase where we call it's called childhood narcissism... everybody, every child actually goes through - earlier, they mirrored you... Then they want you to mirror them
This need to be seen, to be acknowledged, is fundamental. And for my CEO part, it had been long overlooked. The most touching moment was realizing what my CEO part truly needed: a hug from the self (like in the past as AbhinavLand CEO). Sometimes, amidst all the hustle and flow of ideas, what we need most is simple acknowledgment. A moment to be seen, to be thanked, to be appreciated for all that we do.
Upgrading the Systems (as one solution)
Apart from the love, strong hug and telling this CEO to step up & take space for you - step up ; the self is also so happy to see potential solutions this tech-first CEO AR is bringing. One potential solution to the challenges in Project Prime, CEO AR has been working on some innovative solutions. One exciting development is a new "Friend Locked" system. This allows me to speak my thoughts aloud, which are then automatically journaled. It's a way to appease both the Creative and Anxious parts: the Creative can flow freely, while the Anxious Note-Taker can rest assured that no idea will be lost.
Going ahead & upcoming paths
To all the CEO parts of me, past and present, I see you. I appreciate you. Thank you for your tireless work taking so good care of Abhinav.
As I continue this journey of self-discovery (which is far from over as I feel sometime), I'm excited to explore these somatic experiences of my parts. To feel where they live in my body, to understand their colors and flavors. It's a new frontier for my lifelong growth, and I can't wait to see where it leads.
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