Self is back in control - IT'S BEAUTIFUL!

I feel whole today! A big puzzle solved. That aha buzz after solving a problem. That's how I feel today. Big thanks to my today's therapy session.

General pattern of self getting lost?

What happened to me, as it happens with many people, is that somewhere along my journey ~ around teenage, my Self went into hiding. It retreated deep inside to protect and care for the parts of me that weren't accepted by the world around me.

The parts that were welcomed and praised (like the rational, achievement-oriented Abhinav) took control of daily operations. They were the acceptable faces I could show to the world. Meanwhile, my more emotional, creative, and vulnerable parts were sent to the shadows, with Self accompanying them like a protective parent.

This isn't unusual. Most of us experience this fragmentation as we grow up. The world says, "We like these parts of you, but those other parts? Keep them hidden." And so the Self, whose job is to care for the whole system, goes underground with the exiled parts.

My Self would occasionally make brief appearances in consciousness when conditions felt safe. But mostly, it communicated through dreams, through the subconscious, through fleeting moments of clarity that would quickly be overridden by the controlling parts. These parts weren't evil or malicious – they were just doing what they thought would keep the whole system safe and functioning.

Rediscovery journey

Over the past year, I've been on a remarkable hero's journey! One by one, I found the exiled parts hiding in the shadows. My healer acted like self to smooth this whole process with all my parts trusting her. We Created space for each one to come from shadows, speak to us, and tell their stories (imagine in AbhinavLand -> like how they came from unknowns in the age of empire map). We listened carefully, even when their voices were feeble and uncertain after years of silence. Oh my small kid parts! We asked the loudest, most dominant parts to step back a bit so they wouldn't drown out these newly emerging voices.

And even now this exploratory journey continues, with new parts still revealing themselves. Healing is a life long journey. I don't think I'll ever be fully "healed".

Throughout this entire process of multiple months, my Self was present but more in a facilitator role – sitting in the back, making sure everyone had a chance to speak, ensuring each part felt heard and validated. But Self wasn't driving the car. The parts were still the ones taking action, which created a constant struggle over who would get control on any given day. Recent fights between Rational & True Abhinav were one such scenarios!

Self would appoint different parts to handle different situations, but wasn't truly in the driver's seat. It was like having a car where I kept switching drivers, but the owner of the car (Self) was just a passenger sitting in front and giving occasional directions.

This changed today when the key missing piece of "self-leadership" was unlocked.

Self-Leadership

All this time, while I was discovering these parts, my Self had stepped back, letting them run the show. It's like I had assembled an incredible team but forgot to step in as the CEO. Each team member was trying to do my job, doing their best they can & even burning out to creating conflict in the process.

My parts were never meant to drive action. The Ambitious part wasn't supposed to force me to work when I needed rest. The Healer wasn't supposed to overextend with others at my expense. They were meant to share their perspectives, "FEELINGS", and wisdom – then let Self decide the path forward. Parts are like toppings on a pizza - but what holds everything together is the base and that's the self.

When Self is the leader - there's a fluidity and flexibility that wasn't there before. Self doesn't rigidly say "I have to do this" or "I must never do that." Self listens to all parts with curiosity and compassion, honors their emotions and contributions, and then decides the path forward with wisdom.

When the Ambitious part says, "We need some framework in the projects - please!" Self can honor that drive while also listening to creative part who is actually working on the project & where my REAL DOING comes from. Self can decide, "We'll work for two focused hours, then take a break," without the guilt or inner conflict that would have consumed me before.

I already feel more embodied and present than I have in years. There's a sense of inner spaciousness – room to feel everything without being overwhelmed by it.

Self knows that emotions are information, not commands. When anger arises, Self can ask, What is this anger trying to tell me? and dig deeper on that part who is angry!

How Do We Know If It's Self or a Part fooling me?

This question felt like the ultimate inception – if a part believes it's Self, how would I ever know the difference?

I posed this question to my healer, and her answer was illuminating. She shared her own journey back to Self after a physical injury. During her recovery, certain parts took control to help her cope – the studious, research-focused parts that could still function despite physical limitations. Even after healing physically, these parts remained in charge. She described a moment when she realized something wasn't right – she was feeling rigid, burdened by "have to" and "need to" thoughts that didn't feel aligned with her deeper knowing.

The key insight: Self doesn't feel burdened by obligations. Self doesn't say "I have to" or "I must" – those are telltale signs of parts at work.

Self is fluid, flexible, compassionate, and curious. It doesn't interrogate or criticise – it observes and guides with wisdom. When questioned about what she truly wanted, what would bring her joy, she realized her dancer part, her traveler part, and her curious student part had been sidelined while other parts ran the show.

This resonated deeply with me. I realized I can feel the difference between Self and parts through the quality of my inner experience – urgency, rigid, reactive, no curiosity -> while Self feels spacious, curious, and at peace. Being in self feels at ease! That feeling of RELAXATION, the calmness!

It's not intellectual – it's felt. I don't just understand Self-leadership conceptually; I feel it in my body. There's a calm centeredness, a quiet confidence that this is who I truly am.

Road ahead

What I do know is that I've found the missing piece. After all the exploration and discovery, I've finally remembered who was meant to be in charge all along.

I feel in control, but not in a rigid, grasping way. It's the control that comes from being fully present, fully aware, and fully compassionate with all parts of myself.