Let me share with you about my powerful teenage guardian I've often overlooked in my internal world AbhinavLand. He goes by many decoys in my past blogs - Rational Abhinav, Slum King, Ambitious Rai, CEO Rai, Warden, Scarcity, Fear Alone, Good boy, Junk Dopamine, The Drill Sergeant.
This part is my selfless (male) provider. Forming when I was about 12 years, he's been in control for 13-15 years. Handling all my logistics of life, providing structure and framework, stepping up whenever I've been through transitions of life - Studying an year ahead in JEE coaching so I have a free drop year, becoming a coder in college & doing extra curricular, Learning in Job & doing my Side Hustles for financial security,
And he's good in his game! Over time, my baseline shifted. I forgot how to feel. Deep into my missions - MAKE ABHINAV SAFE. Unhappy. Lonely.
Until I took an year and a half break to discover my parts from shadows. Rediscover all of me. The kid parts of me, Healer Rai, Creative Rai - who I had long exiled.
While other kids parts of me love the freefall of life - the beauty of spontaneity and flowing with experiences ; this yin holds the framework that allows that freefall to be safe rather than destructive.
He kept working, kept doing, never complaining — but inside, he felt unseen. Recently, when my healer asked me to connect with my body, I felt tension everywhere — in my face, my arms, my chest. This part had been holding all that stress, never letting go because he believed if he did, everything would fall apart. He was afraid of the "freefall" that my other parts so enjoy.
Honestly, no one likes when there is too much direction (Like an uncle who keeps on telling the kids what to do). Other parts asked him - "What would happen if we went into freefall?" - well, something bad "could happen" - Huh! Could happen? Mr. Rational part, it doesn't sound rational!
And that's when I realised - this deep / long pattern when I go extreme rational / doing mode to be recognised and get love. It's like I have two different Abhinavs inside me. One loves going on rollercoasters — embracing the wild, unexpected thrills of life. The other gets dizzy on those same rollercoasters—needing structure, stability, and predictability.
Both parts are valuable. The feeling when I get a go script done do a task is just as beautiful as the feeling when I stroll in nature on grass with my thoughts. Both experiences are essential parts of my life. The yin and yang. The black and the white.
Once rational part is in control, he doesn't know how to rest. He only knows how to be valued through "doing", through "achievement". He's been missing the simple experience of being loved just for existing!
(YOU CAN REST A LITTLE MY LOVED PART! NOTHING WILL GO WRONG)
Today when I closed my eyes and saw a flash of red—the self embracing this part in a brief but profound hug. In that moment, this part finally received what it's been missing: simple acknowledgment & love. Not for what it does, but for who it is.
"I see you," the self seemed to say. "You don't need to earn my love."
My rational guardian doesn't need anyone else's recognition—not Han's, not my friends', not even my healer's. He just needs the self to see him - appreciate him, value him, to tell him he belongs in AbhinavLand just as much as all the other parts and thank you for being there and doing what you did in the past. You are not a villain. You are deeply deeply valued.
On a super bright side, he got me to a place where I could safely experience freefall without it destroying me - with us in Dharamshala at the moment. He's given me some decent bank balance so I can slow down in life. To know myself more. To flow with music. To write this blog in the gazibo in my garden with piano music going. Letting my kids play & love. A zone where I can embrace both the doing and the being — the black and the white — the yin and the yang of my existence. I no longer need him to micromanage every aspect of my life, but I do need his wisdom and structure for certain aspects without him taking over.
Well, sometimes he's dizzy in the freefall, uncomfortable with letting go. But now he knows the self is there, seeing him, valuing him. He knows he doesn't have to carry everything alone anymore. He doesn't need to ride all rollercoasters in order to be with kids so that they are safe.
Stay behind while other parts enjoy the ride. Trust that they will be safe. Enjoying the look on their faces having fun. Let them go, wave you and have their fun! You have done beautifully on where we are in life. And you are always there guiding Abhinav in things. Letting the kids go and live their happy life while you meditate & life a slow life planning the future projects.
To this teenage boy who has carried so much responsibility: thank you. Thank you for keeping me safe, for helping me achieve, for making sure I had a foundation from which to explore. Your work has allowed me to create this beautiful life where I can now safely embrace the unknown. Please take rest.
You don't have to keep proving your worth through constant doing. You are loved simply for being who you are. You're one of the most essential resident in my inner world —not because of what you do, but because of who you are!
As we go even more deeper, I'll always remember to check in with you. When life gets dizzy, I'll remember that you might need some extra care. And when you do step up to help organize and plan, I'll make sure to acknowledge and thank you, see you fully and not just take your work for granted.
This journey of integration continues, with each part finding its right place and right role in the beautiful symphony that is AbhinavLand.
Comments