In my therapy session today, something profound happened. After our last session where I thought we'd uncovered my social part's patterns, I realized I had fooled myself - and even my therapist.
I took a break for 2 weeks after that and this is where I am with this blog today - What we discovered today went much deeper, touching the very essence of who I am.
The Setting
The past few weeks have been intense. Moving between Thailand and Vietnam, dealing with wedding preparations, taking care of Han during her first trimester, managing expenses w.r.t wedding and family trip, and trying to be the "perfect" son/partner/friend. I found myself in hypo state - all thinking, minimal feeling. Everything became a checkbox, losing the very essence of these precious moments.
The Discovery
As I sat with my therapist discussing how disconnected I felt, she guided me to close my eyes. That's when I felt it - a distinct pain in my right top head. Not just physical discomfort, but a sensation of skin being stretched on the outside and rotting on the inside. This wasn't just stress; this was years of self-sacrifice manifesting in my body.
Meeting the Field Marshal
We discovered a part of me that's been operating silently since I was 6-8 years old - around the time when my siblings came in my life. We initially thought it was a dictator, but no - this was a Field Marshal. A brave, self-sacrificing soldier who believed his mission was to ensure everyone's happiness, even at the cost of his own well-being.
One of his beliefs - "This is how we have to live. This is how we get love." He was willing to take all the blame, bear all the pain, just to make sure everyone else was okay. He was the one pushing me to be the perfect son, perfect partner, perfect brother - managing everything but feeling nothing.
The Breakthrough Moment
I went on a meditative journey. Felt it. This wasn't just another part speaking; this felt like touching the very essence of my being - the closest I've ever gotten to what one might call the soul. I could see myself as a seed and different parts of me made it up but I was that seed. As I opened my eyes, the whole room became unusually bright.
The vision of me who I saw! The seed where I come from made of all the parts and it's unifyed now.
The Cost of Being the Manager
I realized how my Field Marshal's way of operating - turning everything into tasks and checklists - was robbing me of genuine experiences. Yes, the wedding preparations were getting done, the travels were being managed, but where was the joy? Where was the presence in these precious moments?
Finding My Way Back
I discovered that while I've been so focused on being present for others - Han in her 1st trimester, my parents with their wedding dreams, my siblings with their needs - I've lost presence with myself. The solution isn't to stop caring for others; it's about finding what I call "pockets of presence" with myself.
The Underground Rivers
We'd been working on branches all this while - managing different parts - starting with leaves to branches and even trunk but today, we finally discovered the underground water system - the core beliefs and patterns that feed every house in my inner world. This wasn't just another part's house; this was the infrastructure that supported all of AbhinavLand.
The Path Forward
Now, as I prepare for my wedding and future parenthood (Bamboo), I carry this understanding with me. The external world might still be chaotic, but I'm learning to stay connected to my core. Whether it's through morning beach walks, meditation, or just quiet moments alone with my thoughts, I'm creating space to feel rather than just manage.
A New Chapter in AbhinavLand
This session marked a turning point in my inner world. It's like we discovered the underground water system that feeds all of AbhinavLand. The Field Marshal doesn't need to stand guard alone anymore. He can rest, knowing that love doesn't need to be earned through sacrifice.
To this brave part that's carried so much for so long - thank you. It's time to learn a new way of being, where we can both manage and feel, both care for others and ourselves. The journey continues, but now with more awareness, more compassion, and more presence.
Commentaires