Meet Ambitious Rai part of me
In my inner world - AbhinavLand, there's an integral part of me I call "Ambitious Rai". A teenager part that came into life when I was preparing for my engineering coaching ~ 14-15 year old kid. This IIT engineering examination (and every project ever since) is a do-or-die situation, with no room for failure without Plan B. This part of me is a perfectionist to the core, believing that predictable success is the only acceptable outcome.
Ambitious Rai's determination have been invaluable in setting high standards for me and pushing beyond comfort zones.
This part is the driving force behind many of my accomplishments - from cracking IIT-JEE to becoming an amazing engineer at GoJek to saving some money via indie hacking projects so that the "now" me can take a break. Beyond thankful for this part.
What happened recently?
These days, Ambitious Rai took center stage back again as I started working on Project Prime. The task at hand was to write a crucial one-pager document outlining the project, making the whole plan on what MVP looks like and how we will execute it - setting some deadlines, what are the baby steps, etc - Super Brainpower activity.
Unfortunately, at 9:30 PM post dinner, I wasn't in the perfect state to do this heavy brainpower activity but Ambitious Rai had committed to himself to do this. Work at all cost - Ambitious Rai's motto! And honestly, Ambitious Rai was also scared to work on such a heavy task at that time because there was no "creative energy" left. Unfortunately he was too afraid to say that to himself.
All parts of me love him & looking at him that fearful - Junk Dopamine Shielding parts kicked in. They are my shields that bring avoidance to core issue by distracting me. I binge-watched WWE videos until 3 AM, ate a whole bag of chips, and even using intimacy as a distraction. This mindless procrastination is my old friend and it was a cry for help from my ambitious self, too scared to face & tell himself that "I cannot work on it right now as I don't have any creative energy left. Whatever I do will be shit & I want it to be perfect. We do not have a plan B & this has to be perfect".
Lessons for Ambitious Rai
This realization led me to some important lessons for Ambitious Rai:
It's okay to work on Project Prime when you're in the zone. If you're not feeling it, do something else. The project will be at its best when you're at your best. You can switch zones and cycle Nha Trang at night or do wedding to-dos!
Have a list of less demanding tasks for times when you're not up for intensive brainwork. Productivity doesn't always mean tackling the biggest challenges. You can read about Spiritual processes or IFS book or Blinkist summaries or Goal building videos. So many other things to do relation to project prime
Recognize that seeking "junk dopamine" or letting this shielding part come is a sign of fear or avoidance. This part wants to shield you from the hurt you are gonna get to see what's happening.
Embracing the journey: Life isn't about winning or losing anymore - It is not about doing everything so perfectly so that you can control winning in life. It's about the journey, the fun on the way (both +ve & -ve emotions) & enjoying every kink life gives you. I'm on a mission to create something that could help many people, and that's something to be proud of, regardless of the outcome.
The Mirror of Life: The Matrix
This behavior isn't new. It's a pattern that has repeated itself many times, always leaving me feeling frustrated and unproductive. But this time, something was different. The next morning, as I discussed the night's events with my partner, I remembered my "Matrix Concept" - the belief that the world around us acts like a mirror, reflecting our inner state. My partner's observation about my junk dopamine chase wasn't a criticism; it was a reflection, showing me what I couldn't see myself.
I & only I am responsible for my own life - my experiences, my feelings. The world around me - including my partner's observations, my friends, voice journaling, writing, my therapy sessions - they all serves as a mirror, reflecting my inner state. By recognizing this, I can set better boundaries, make more conscious choices, and work towards a healthier relationship with my ambitious, perfectionist self and all my parts.
A New Perspective
Life isn't a win-or-lose game anymore. It's a continuous journey of learning and growth. As I navigate this path, I'm learning to embrace imperfection, listen to all parts of myself, and enjoy the beautiful, unpredictable journey of creation.
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